


I Like Me Better

by sunshinne_skz



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Hwang Hyunjin & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Hwang Hyunjin is a Sweetheart, Lee Felix (Stray Kids) is a Sweetheart, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, M/M, References to Depression, Sad Ending, Teen Angst, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-23 12:24:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23111323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinne_skz/pseuds/sunshinne_skz
Summary: You can love someone with all you have and hope they will find a place for you in their heart as well, but you can't make them love you back.And even though Felix knows that, it still doesn't stop him from wishing that maybe someday... He'll get his own chance.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 42





	I Like Me Better

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! Just a heads up- I wrote this thing in like two hours while listening to sad love songs and wondering why the heck does my crush never like me back~ so don't expect too much! Hope you enjoy it though!

It was weird.

Weird how one person could make him feel so many things.

Weird how one smile could light up so many fires inside his soul.

Weird how one glance could paint both his cheeks red so quickly.

His heart was truly too weak to handle all that, so he just layed in bed, Lauv's music blasting through the speakers as he let the lyrics embrace him. It was comforting- just him and his favorite songs between four walls.

He was scared, yet so excited. He knew this was slightly more than a crush, but still less than love. He knew it wasn't good for him, but he couldn't bring himself to stop wishing; wishing for a chance of his own.

Felix has been talking about all this stuff with his best friend, asking for advice even though he knew he won't actually take it. Felix knew that no matter how many times Hyunjin told him he should let go, he won't stop hoping that maybe, just maybe, they had a future together. No matter how short lived- he would settle for a day if that's what he could get, just to feel the love he'd always dreamed about.

Like, how great would it be? Going to school, finding him waiting with a huge smile on his face and arms wide open just for him. Heading home and holding hands on the way like little kids do, parting ways with a sweet goodbye and a hug. Texting late into the night...

Felix found himself smiling, thinking about how happy it would make him, just to be with the other. Truth be told, he would even settle on simply being friends if that was the only way he could hear that voice more often. 

However, all that hope blooming inside of him was making it kinda hard to breath freely. There was this pressure on his chest, this "what if" that kept coming back every time it was dismissed. 

Changbin told him once, when they were hanging out, about how he just loved his personality. And Felix's heart did those little jumps out of happines- He loved his personality! How awesome was that? 

But then... Then Changbin wondered how it would be if Felix was different. He wondered how it would be if Felix was prettier. He told him that he kept seeing all this people, who were not as funny as him, not as interesting...but they were pretty. They were pretty and in Changbin's eyes, Felix wasn't. 

So Felix thought about it... What if he was skinnier? What if he didn't have his freckles? What if his hands weren't so small? What if his lips were fuller?

There was so much he would change in the way he looked, but at the same time, he didn't want to do that. He didn't want to have to change himself just so he could be loved.

So he tried to keep his head up, he ate well and he let his freckles show and just went on about his life. He laughed with his best friend and he stressed about the test he forgot to study for. He got awkward in front of strangers and he smiled as sweet as ever when anyone approached him.

Though, late at night or at random during the afternoons or early mornings... He asked himself "what if you were prettier, Felix?", because he couldn't stop thinking about it. He was sure that if he looked better, Changbin would've taken an interest in him. 

Or maybe if he wasn't so dang shy at times, if he was more sure of himself, if he talked more, if he had more confidence... 

And say they got together... What about how clingy he was? Or how he had those days when he could barely function without wanting to break down and cry? Or how he got so scared sometimes that he was unable to leave the house? Would Changbin still think he has a good personality? Will he still see Felix as a cool person if he showed more of himself? 

He could always hide away the ugly parts of himself, yes but... He just couldn't. He wanted someone who would be there for him no matter what, and who would let him return the favor. He knew Changbin wasn't that. But... What if he could be?

Everyone had someone, right? Well what if they were each other's? Doesn't that mean they're supposed to help each other out? Teach each other better? 

Felix sighed and wiped away the few tears that managed to escape. He was getting way too emotional again. 

He stood up, walking towards his closet and opening the doors, staring at all the clothes inside there. He wanted to look good, but he also wanted to say "screw it" and dress like he had no home to return to. In the end, he settled on some dark ripped skinny jeans and a large black hoodie. After he got dressed, he carded his fingers through his orange hair to make it look decent and dialed Hyunjin's number. 

The other picked up after a few rings and in less than fifteen minutes, his best friend was at his door, ready to hang out. 

"Hey there," the taller boy said, his eyes smiling along with his lips, making Felix return the gesture.

"Hi," he said, stepping out of his apartment and locking the door. "So, where to?" 

"You called me, remember?" Hyunjin chuckled. "Shouldn't you know where you wanna go?" 

"Uh, no?" Felix huffed. "I wanted to let you pick." He wiggled his eyebrows, making the other laugh loudly, attracting some judging stares from a random old lady who passed them by. 

"Sure you did, Lix. Well, let's just walk around for now." The dark haired boy suggested and once Felix nodded, that's exactly why they did- they wondered the streets for hours, joking around and laughing way too loudly. They were teenagers though, nobody really cared that much. 

"Say, how come you randomly wanted to hang out? You haven't been answering my texts all day" Hyunjin pouted, making Felix roll his eyes at him, which just made the older pout harder. 

Felix sighed, poking Hyunjin's cheek. "Stop looking sad." 

"But you ignored me!" The taller whined, wiggling around like a worm on the random bench they found and decited to sit on.

"I did not!" Felix defended, frowning at his friend.

"You did! He ignored me all day!" Hyunjin yelled at some strangers, a couple who seemed to be in their thirties, while pointing at the younger, all the while looking like a sad puppy. 

Felix blushed as the adults laughed and shook their heads at them.

"That's not so nice of you, young man." The man said, trying to frown at the boy but he just ended up chuckling. 

"Let the kid be, Siwoo!" His wife laughed, pulling him away and waving at the two.

Felix and Hyunjin waved back, the former literally hiding half his face inside his hoodie. 

"Okay that was my payback, now I feel better." Hyunjin sighed, cracking his knuckled with a smirk.

"You're so mean!" The younger mumbled, burrying his head in his hands as he groned, trying to shake off the embrassment.

"Mean? I let you off easy! Almost a whole day, Lix! That's how much I had to live without you!" Hyunjin exclaimed, gripping his friend's shoulders and shaking him until they both fell off the bench and onto the cold grass. 

The argument was completely forgoten as they erupted into laughter, Felix trying to stand up only to fall back down which only made the other laugh harder. It was dumb and they probably looked eve dumber but at the moment, they couldn't care less. The high from when you're simply enjoying life's most random moments is truly something else.

As they were coming down, only giggles escaping their lips from time to time, Felix came to the conclusion that maybe good things really don't last all that much.

"Hey guys, what's up?" 

It was Changbin, smiling from ear to ear like he usually does, radiating energy and excitement and all things Felix has been associating him with for a while now. 

And it was Jisung, also smiling and looking so in place hand in hand with Changbin that Felix couldn't even try to be mad at him. 

"Well, hi, didn't expect to see y'all here!" Said Hyunjin, awkward smile in place as he didn't even bother to get up, sneaking an arm around Felix to remind him he was there with him. "How are you enjoying the break so far?" 

"It's literally the first day, man." Changbin laughed, Jisung following with a short chuckle.

"Doesn't mean you can't enjoy it." Felix said and they all nodded, because of course he was right.

"You know what's up, here, high five." Jisung said, grinning when Felix granted his wish. 

They chatted for a few more minutes before the couple had to leave- something about Jisung's mom expecting them home before eleven. 

"You okay?" Hyunjin asked, frowning at how the younger remained silent.

He knew. Felix knew Changbin wasn't single. He knew Changbin was with Jisung because Jisung was pretty and Jisung was brave and confident and smart and kind. He had everything, of course Changbin liked him. Felix too considered him a great person, and he was really happy they have found each other.

So he shook his head because no, he wasn't okay. Yeah, he was happy for them; happy because they were wonderful people and deserved each other. But he was also aware of himself and how he was nothing compared to them, he was nothing compared to Jisung. 

"Oh, Lix." Hyunjin sighed, circling his arms around the smaller and bringing him close, grip only tightening as quiet sobs filled the silence of the night. 

What hurt most was that it was completely fair. Felix desperately wished he could say it wasn't but it was and he couldn't lie to himself like that.

Changbin gave him hundreds of reasons to smile, hundreds of reasons to love- yet he gave him just as many to cry. And the worst thing? Felix still couldn't feel that hope inside of him dying. No, it just stood there, firmly planted inside his chest, hanging on to whatever insignificant memory. It drove him crazy, how he was still hoping that maybe, just maybe, Changbin was the one for him.

Maybe he had to wait. Maybe he had to improve his looks, his character. Maybe maybe maybe. That's what it always came down to.

He gripped Hyunjin's shirt between his fingers, hating how he had ruined the mood and made everything feel blue when it was so yellow just a few minutes ago. Felix was good at that- ruining other's mood. 

Maybe that's why Changbin didn't like him. And maybe that's why Felix liked himself most when he was with Changbin. 

When he was with him, Felix felt brave, he felt alive. All his fears meant nothing because everything felt lighter and Changbin was righ there smiling so how could he be sad? 

When he was with him, Felix felt happy, he felt important. The dark thoughts couldn't get to him and he was just there, living in the moment. He was present and he was talking fast and his heart was thumping but not with anxiety, it was thumping with excitement. 

"Hey, Lix, it's alright." Hyunjin whispered. "There's so many people you haven't met yet, you know? Changbin ain't shit, dude, I promise. There's gonna be someone who will make you see how great you are instead of making you question it." 

"I don't want someone else." Felix sobbed, pulling away from his friend, instantly missing his warmth. "I just want him, Jinnie! That's all I want..." He trailed off, all the fight leaving him. 

"Lix, you gotta understand that... He's not the one for you. Your time will come, I know it." Hyunjin said, blinking back tears. It was always hard for him to watch others cry.

"When?"

"No one knows that, remember? We can't see the future, dummy." The taller joked, chuckling lightly, feeling proud of himself as he listened to the younger giggle softly. 

Yeah, they can't see the future. Felix has been asking himself for a while now if he ever wants to see that future. He hoped maybe he'll get to feel love in this life time but with how things were going, he was starting to doubt it more and more. He had no idea how much more time he was gonna allow himself... 

"Thank you, Jinnie." He said, hugging his best friend tightly.

He was always there for him, through everything he had ever faced- Hyunjin has always been right by his side. He was the only constant, that one spark of hope that kept him alive for so long. That one person who could make him feel better about himself no matter what.

Though, as he stood alone inside his room, right in front of the mirror, he knew nothing Hyunjin could say would make him hate what he saw any less.

Not like Changbin could.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you liked it. Kudos and comments are very much appreciated and always make my day~


End file.
